QUESTION: Dear Diesel. I am very concerned about global warming and all the things I have done over the years to wreck the environment. Already I have had to give skiing and the grounds of my villa are flooded. How can I atone (without changing my glamorous lifestyle, of course)?
ANSWER: Dear Concerned. There are many things you can do to feel better about global warming. Just saving a small amount of energy can make a difference. We have prepared a short list for Diesel customers and employees. See below.
1. HAVE SEX (QUIETLY): Energetic sex keeps you warm, cutting down heating bills. Afraid of letting out Greenhouse gases when you scream with pleasure? Perhaps you should try gagging one another: kinky, and potentially good for the environment.
2. WALK TO THE SHOPS: If you must go shopping every day, leave your car at home. How far away can your nearest Diesel store be? Walking will tighten up that butt of yours, as well as cutting down on exhaust emissions. If you must, go by skateboard.
3. TURN OFF LIGHTS: Didn't you know darkness is cool? There are now dark restaurants where all the waiters are blind honest! So keep your apartment in total darkness. Before the big switch-off, spend the daylight hours memorising the location of all your furniture, especially low tables. If you do this with friends, you can all dress in black and try to find one another in the dark. What fun!
4. INSULATE YOUR HOME WITH RECYCLED DENIM: Naturally, you like to keep your jeans until they fall apart, but when they finally do, use them to insulate your attic, thus preventing heat loss and cutting down energy consumption. Plus, the inside of your attic will look amazing hip covered in denim.
5. NEVER TAKE A SHOWER: No, forget this one. It's really bad idea. But if there is a beach near you, get up in the morning and plunge into the cold ocean rather than standing under a hot shower for half an hour. You'll feel refreshed and you might meet some cute people in bathing costumes.
6. UNPLUG YOUR ELECTRIC GUITAR: Did you know that household objects consume energy even when they are switched off? You have to unplug them to stop them drawing power. Even better, you could use your unplugged guitar to trash your TV. Rock and roll!
7. GIVE FASHION MAGAZINES TO YOUR GRANNY: We know you can't resist the glossies but the least you can do is recycle them. Pass them on to your grandmother, so she can stop dressing like drag queen. Or give them to your unfashionable friends. Don't know anyone unfashionable? Just give them to random accountants on the metro.
8. HANG UP YOUR TOWELS: You're in a five-star hotel. In the bathroom, there's a little sign telling you to hang up your towels if you plan to re-use them, thus reducing greenhouse gases. But you never do it, do you? No, you leave towels all over the bloody floor. Just hang up the goddamned towels! You'll be doing your bit for the planet, and probably impress the attractive person who cleans your room.
9. PLANT A TREE: People are always telling you to eat organic. But you can go one step further by planting your own apple tree. Maybe you can add some strawberry plants. People in England grew their own food during the war and it didn't do them any harm. Although they did become addicted to apple crumble.
10. EAT STEAK IN A RESTAURANT: Your refrigerator consumes the most power in your house. So get rid of it and eat out more often. Research has also shown that flatulent cows give off damaging methane gases when they fart. So make sure you order a steak, and you'll be doing the world a favour.